It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

by Megan Devine

Sounds True, 2017

"You'll get through this."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"They're in a better place now."

"Time heals all wounds."

If you've experienced significant loss, you've probably heard these phrases—well-meaning words that somehow make you feel more alone, more misunderstood, more like something is wrong with you for not "getting over it." Megan Devine's It's OK That You're Not OK is the antidote to all of that.

This book doesn't try to fix your grief or rush you through it. Instead, it validates the raw, messy, ongoing reality of loss and gives you permission to grieve exactly as you need to.

What This Book Is About

Megan Devine is a psychotherapist who became an expert on grief the hardest way possible—by losing her partner suddenly and tragically. Her personal experience, combined with her professional expertise, gives this book a rare authenticity. She knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of unhelpful platitudes and toxic positivity.

This isn't a book about the "stages of grief" or finding silver linings. It's a book about acknowledging that some things cannot be fixed, some losses cannot be made better, and that's okay. Grief isn't a problem to solve—it's a natural response to love and loss.

Devine challenges the cultural myths that tell us grief should be brief, tidy, and ultimately lead to growth or closure. She argues that our grief-phobic culture does more harm than good, leaving grieving people feeling broken when they're actually responding normally to an abnormal situation.

Why This Book Matters

For me, this book was transformative. It helped me understand the difference between trying to "fix" someone's grief and truly supporting them through it. That distinction changed everything about how I approached my own healing, how I try to support others through theirs, and how I try to foster community building.

Devine's insights into what grieving people actually need—validation, presence, and permission to grieve—informed my entire approach to creating supportive spaces for others navigating loss. She showed me that the best thing we can offer someone in pain isn't advice or solutions, but simply being present with them in their grief.

The book tackles questions we're afraid to ask:

• Why does everyone want to fix my grief?

• Am I grieving "wrong" if I'm not finding meaning or growth?

• How do I respond to people who don't understand?

• What do I actually need from others right now?

• Is it okay that I'm still not okay?

  
  

Her work challenged the cultural myths I'd internalized about grief and gave me practical guidance for being present with others in their pain—without trying to make it better, without offering empty reassurances, without rushing them toward healing.

What You'll Gain

This book offers validation, practical tools, and a framework for understanding grief that actually makes sense. Devine doesn't sugarcoat the reality of loss, but she also doesn't leave you without support.

You'll come away with:

• Permission to grieve in your own way, on your own timeline

• Understanding of why our culture gets grief so wrong

• Tools for navigating unhelpful comments and expectations

• Practical strategies for supporting yourself through grief

• Language to communicate your needs to others

• Validation that your grief is normal, even when it feels unbearable

• Insight into how to truly support others who are grieving

One of the most powerful aspects of this book is that it speaks to both people who are grieving and people who want to support them. It's a bridge between those two worlds.

Who Should Read This

This book is essential reading if you:

• Are grieving any type of loss—death, divorce, estrangement, illness, or life changes

• Feel like you're "not grieving right" or taking too long

• Are frustrated by unhelpful advice and toxic positivity

• Want to support someone who's grieving but don't know what to say

• Work in helping professions—therapy, counseling, healthcare, ministry

• Feel isolated in your grief and need validation

• Want to understand why grief in our culture feels so lonely

Honestly, everyone should read this book. Whether you're currently grieving or not, you will experience loss at some point—and you will definitely know someone who's grieving. This book prepares you for both.

My Takeaway

Reading It's OK That You're Not OK gave me permission to stop trying to "fix" my own grief and to stop expecting others to fix it for me. It helped me recognize that the most healing thing someone can say isn't "everything happens for a reason" but simply "this is really hard, and I'm here."

Devine's work fundamentally shaped my perspective. I learned that validation is more powerful than advice, that presence is more helpful than solutions, and that sometimes the kindest thing we can do is acknowledge that some things simply suck—and there's no making them better.

This book also helped me set boundaries with people who couldn't hold space for my grief. It gave me language to say, "I'm not looking for silver linings right now. I just need you to sit with me in this."

If you've ever felt like your grief is too much, too long, or too messy—this book will remind you that you're not broken. You're grieving. And that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

What's the most unhelpful thing someone has said to you while you were grieving? And what actually helped? Share your experience in the comments or join the conversation in our community.